christine's brain

Life Lessons from Carrying Gingerbread

In just a few weeks, my life will change forever.

Even though I’ve had ~9 months to prepare myself psychologically and emotionally for this huge upheaval in my life, I realize that nothing will ever truly prepare you. You can read all the books and get advice from all the people in the world, but until you actually experience it yourself, you won’t truly know what being a mother and parent is like.  So I try to reassure myself that me not feeling ready for this baby is totally normal.

This is the first time I’ve actually talked about this ‘externally’ - e.g. on any social media. Rather than spurious Facebook updates or tweets, I thought I’d try to capture some of my thoughts and emotions with this post.

Now that I’m in the home stretch, I reflect back on the last 9 months and am amazed at just how quickly time has flown by and just the sheer physical and emotional demands of pregnancy. On the physical side of things, I’m thankful that my pregnancy has been pretty smooth. Even as I’m approaching 37 weeks, I’ve still been pretty active and coming in to the office every day.

In terms of emotions.. well. That’s another story.

Pregnancy is an emotional roller coaster, which is easy to chalk up to hormones. Hormones aside, it is a huge change in a person’s life and identity - albeit a very positive change - but definitely a life-changing event that is full of mixed emotions. Happiness, elatedness, anticipation… and then the less positive emotions: worry, doubtfulness, fear. The world expects expectant mothers to be nothing but “over the moon” about their babies. In reality, it is much more complex than that. 

Two of the biggest worries I believe most women have are one, whether they’re well-equipped to be a good parent, and two, what will the impact be on their career (and related to this, work-life balance). Ever since I saw my little guy via ultrasound and he looked like a gingerbread cookie (making one of his many nicknames “Gingerbread/GB”), I’ve worried every single day about whether I will be a good mother. I get all sorts of reactions when I actually tell people this, but despite all the reassurance that I will do a great job, I continue to worry. Being responsible for a human life is like no other responsibility, and I have no idea what to expect. I have high hopes for our child, and yet ultimately I know he will be his own person and just want him to be happy, healthy, and feel well-loved. But I’m starting to think this feeling is perpetual. My son will probably be 18 years old, off to college, and I will still be anxious about whether I am a good mom. Welcome to parenthood? Perhaps.

Now the other worry. Career. This is probably one of the foremost reasons why women hold off having kids. They worry that having children will prevent them from achieving their professional goals and otherwise have a negative impact on their careers. These worries aren’t selfish, nor are they trivial. While your career doesn’t necessarily define you completely as a person, it is a huge part of who you are. It’s something I’ve definitely worried about. 

Again, I get all sorts of reactions when I talk about this. Most of them involve brushing me off, saying that I’m crazy or stupid to think I’ll be phased out or that I have anything to worry about in terms of work. I give these people the benefit of the doubt because they probably just don’t want me to worry. Regardless, every now and then (or admittedly more often than that), I still worry about being away on maternity leave and being phased out, what life will be like attempting to balance work and kids and whether I will fail at one or the other (or at both). Any pregnant working woman who denies such feelings is lying through their teeth. 

So how do I respond to this and not let such worries consume me? (especially someone like me who’s one of the biggest worrywarts ever) It’s not easy, and some days are better than others. But this is what I try to do.

I try my best to remind myself how lucky I am to have so much support at every angle - both at home and at work. I know how fortunate I am to have so much support from my partner, team, and our startups. To quote a favorite blogger of mine, “Motherhood is simply a fact of life for many/most women and that it should not be a hurdle for women entrepreneurs. We just need the men [and women] in their lives (husbands, co-founders, investors, etc) to be supportive of their “side project”. It’s a damn important one.”  This extends not just to women entrepreneurs, but to any working woman. 

From my perspective as a woman VC, you hear stories about VCs being reluctant to hire female partners because of the potential for them to get pregnant and be “out of commission” for a certain amount of time. Or VCs who are reluctant to fund pregnant entrepreneurs. However, more and more, this line of thinking is becoming irrelevant. Personally, I’ve yet to come across anyone who’s questioned my abilities because of my pregnancy. In my opinion, it’s actually helped me to become a better investor and better understand startups who are trying to solve problems for women, mothers, and/or parents - customer segments that we love to invest in. It’s made me pay more attention to initiatives like Women 2.0 and women entrepreneurs in general - particularly those who are mothers. I’m experiencing firsthand the problems that these customer segments face, and I’m hungry to see startups that try to tackle these problems. (More on that for a future post)

Despite the naysayers, I firmly believe women *can* have it all - happy family, successful career, and a well-balanced life. Nothing’s gotta give. It’s just about having the right support system both at home and at work and getting rid of the stuff that prevents you from spending time on those three things. I just have to remember to listen to my own advice.